The imagery of butterflies… masses of butterflies assembling together in what appears to be for great reason. It could be for migration,  but it seems to be for more of a gathering for a mission of collective strength in battle. 

I’ve been seeing this imagery for several days. It floats in and out of my thoughts like it is summoning me to a deeper understanding. It first appeared after an intimate conversation I had with a friend of mine whom so vulnerably shared a heartbreaking trauma she had endured several years ago. I thanked her after our exchange for trusting me enough to tell me such an important piece of her story. It didn’t seem enough to just thank her…. for a human being to open up in such raw nakedness of their soul, there must be a more appropriate form of gratitude which I can present to her. 

 Knowing what an incredible being she is, I’m most certain she would appreciate gratitude in the form of inspiration. When I am inspired, I tend to write through all of it. She has inspired me greatly by her strength and perseverance, as well as dedication to heal a great wound that was put up upon her. In her healing, she has connected to others whom have walked a similar experience and that has catapulted her to reach out to someone who can actually stop those wounds and oppressions from happening anymore. 

 This is where the butterfly imagery comes in. Last night, I looked up what it means when butterflies gather other than for seasons of migration. I found that when butterflies come together to fly in large groups it is referred to as “roosting”. This is known as a strategy of protection against predators in particularly when the temperatures cool down and butterflies become less mobile. 

 Roosting….. what an incredible act of perseverance. These magical butterflies know inherently that when environments, seasons and climates shift causing them to be at risk of being in a weekend state, they come together in order to protect one another. 

 Roosting is exactly what my friend unknowingly described to me. She is a butterfly and so are the many women whom will come alongside her in this new journey of victory for her. The ripple effect of the strength and her truth and voice will continue for generations.

 So many of us are currently in a season of hardship. Our challenges may all have different faces to them, but they are all equally as important.  What is pressing us may feel like too much for us to carry on our own but if we come together in an act of roosting  not only will we be able to support each other, but we will be able to fly in strength to our next season. 

 I am believing wholeheartedly that our next season will be one of healing, launching us into fulfilling the great purpose we are here in this world now. Our purpose is so much bigger than just us. It spans out to all of those whom we cross paths with.

 To all of you beautiful butterflies out there,  I Believe in you! 

We all have heard the saying…. “we will cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Wise words from our elders whom tried to prepare us. Their generation knew things that our current generations have dismissed, myself included. They knew all too well that life can change in an instant, wars can ignite, famine can come, economic depressions are possible, plagues can arise and even natural disasters can emerge. They had seen many of these things if not all of them in their lifetimes. My Grandparents were relentless in their attempts to get me to participate in living life according to a budget, saving for a rainy day and creating a portfolio of equities and savings to one day leave as an inheritance to my family. My Grandfather immensely believed in being adequately prepared for whatever life may throw at you. He was a very smart man and worked incredibly hard to take care of his family. He was also a man whom fell into a strong faith in God. He was very organized even in his daily practices with God. He wrote down verses he wanted to memorize, he studied texts he didn’t understand, he prayed for every single one of his family members by name every night, he went to church every Sunday until it became too hard with his age. His faith is what gave him peace in what he could not prepare for in life… the unexpected losses of loved ones including his son, the cancers he fought and survived, the experiences we can’t comprehend the “why” or “how” and the times in life when we don’t feel like ourselves anymore. The balance between how he chose to live his life and the faith he followed gave him the security in knowing that he could confidently cross the bridge when he came to it.

Crossing the bridge is always quite the journey for me. Spiritually, my immediate response is to always trust the outcome, I know deep down that I will be ok on the other side of whatever that bridge has in store. Pragmatically, I try to prepare as much as possible by utilizing some of my Grandfather’s advice as far his work ethic, making sure bills are paid and considering different revenues of resources to be able to provide for myself even as I age. That being said, I don’t always succeed in monetary preparations. The past few years I have been more concerned with experiencing travel and adventures now rather than when it financially makes sense. There are good and bad things to that scenario. We have been able to go on some of our dream vacations, experience different cultures and countries, hike mesmerizing trails, jump into Caribbean waterfalls, sit in front of the Eiffel Tower and take fantastic road trips with some of our best friends. On that same token, I went against the advice of some of those closest to me by not saving for an emergency or that rainy day everyone speaks of. I think some of that need to be so manic with my travel was a result of losing so much in recent years. I started operating more in a thought process of, “we never know what’s around the corner, so if we are dreaming of things…do them, say them, go there, because it may be our only chance. I assume that’s probably a stage of grief that I needed to go through and I believe it helped to a great degree but I do think moving forward I will need to find more of a balance. I tend to seesaw between creating a reality of stability and living in an existence honoring the internal need to feel free and uncommitted to the societal norms. There are certain responsibilities I happily adhere to like motherhood, sharing my heart in a committed relationship, my job, keeping a solid roof over our heads and taking care of the needs of my family. On the contrary, there are expectations that normally make me squirm like saving most monetary profits for later in order to prepare for retirement, living in the same house with the same zip code forever, maintaining the same belief systems without any space for deeper understanding or evolvement and negating the need to spread my wings and fly even when it doesn’t make sense to others.

I’ve been on my own mostly since I was fifteen years old. I wasn’t at 15 and still am not always prepared for what life has in store for me. There have been circumstances for which I could have never prepared for. Grievances, losses, suicides, divorce, loss of home, internal struggles, even the current pandemic we are experiencing now. How could anyone possibly be prepared for such unpredictable incidents?! What makes managing these crises questionable at times are the addition of my previously disclosed anxious mind as well as my unquenchable curiosity into the equation. I find myself continuously researching as much information as possible on a variety of topics. Global news, current events, local news articles, health studies (both traditional and holistic), spiritual beliefs and systems…. basically anything and everything I am curious about or devoted to. I’ve always been this way. My father used to tease me that my first words were “no” and “why”. He said he could never tell me anything without me wanting to know more and even after that was done, I’d go try to look up more information on my own. It can be a slippery slope to always insist on looking deeper into things. There are undoubtedly times and situations which it can be extremely important to look further into and question what is being presented. It is a process that can also sometimes create too much unnecessary stress over events yet to happen. I’m guilty of doing so even recently regarding whether it is safe or not to reopen Denver. I’m looking at all the available statistics, considering all angles of benefits as well as dangers, which results in a flood of information…. some beneficial, some not so much. It becomes an unintentional pattern of trying to control an outcome in which ultimately I am unable to. My mind can operate in almost a duality at times, wavering between anxious thoughts and clear instinct. Ever since I was a child I have been inherently intuitive. Intuition has been one of my greatest blessings, as long as I listen to it rather than discount it. Sometimes, I talk myself out of that guiding voice and assume it isn’t from a valid root. In those instances, I require of myself to take a great pause in order to sort through the thoughts and worries rolling around in my mind. I analyze whether they are responsible and discerning facts or if they are irrational and fear-based notions. Then I remember to reflect on the echoing advice of my elders… “We will cross that bridge when we come to it.”. That wisdom knew we can’t possibly predict what is on the other side of the bridge. It knew that though it can be imperative to prepare for the unknowns in life, it is also extremely important to find the balance between living cautiously and trusting the belief that sometimes we are only capable of dealing best with the situation when we are actually in it. They knew that some things were beyond their capacity of handling or managing. They knew there would come a time when they would have to draw on their faith, cling to scriptures or teachings that gave them hope, rely on those that were divinely placed around them for strength and pull out every survival tactic that had previously aided them in overcoming their trials. For me personally, I depend on some of my favorite scripture and teachings to get me through and recenter myself.

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I cling to verses in various translations like;

-“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”- Hebrews 11:1 NIV

-“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure everything out on your own.”- Proverbs 3:5-6 MSG

-“When I am afraid I put my trust in you.”- Psalm 56:3 ESV

-“When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.” -Psalm 94:19 MSG.

These words are so instilled in me that it’s almost like pressing a reset button every time I call on them. When I am downward spiraling, I think of them and its like a wave of peace comes over me. They remind me that no matter what is on the other side of that bridge, God is with me.

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Another teaching that has truly helped me more than I can count is one of The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali;

“When disturbed by negative thoughts, opposite ones should be thought of”

-Yoga Sutra II.33

This sutra redirects my entire mindset when I recite it in my distress. Whatever anxious, fearful or negative thought is running through my thoughts, I immediately envision the opposite of that scenario happening. It is a practice that brings me great tranquility. All the “what-ifs” become covered in designs of joy, hope, happiness and possibility.

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I look to my catalog of saved quotes from some of my most favorite inspirational writings;

“If you feel anxiety or depression, you are not in the present. You are either anxiously projecting the future or depressed and stuck in the past. The only thing you have any control over is the present moment”- Tobe Hanson

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

― Corrie Ten Boom

“Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, Faith looks up”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”

-Swedish Proverb.

Quotes are all over my house, my phone, in my writings, underlined in my favorite books and at times in the forefront of my daily interactions. They find a way of resurrecting themselves when I need them most.

As tempting as it can be to try and predict or prepare for what may be on the other side of the bridge, it is more important to reside in a place of now. The place of now keeps us still, it keeps us centered, its keeps us aware, it utilizes all the lessons of the past, it sharpens us and equips us and most importantly it keeps us from worrying about things we can not control. I have learned along the way that I am strong enough to endure the unexpected, tenacious enough to pursue a solution, sturdy enough to work whatever means are necessary to provide, stubborn enough to not give up, loving enough to encourage those around me and confident enough in my faith to know that there is a bigger hand guiding me along the way. In my experience, I have always managed to cross the bridge. Though it may have at times been harder than expected, I have always come out on the other side…..sometimes beat up and bruised and sometimes ecstatic with joy from the most unexpected beautiful views.

My anxiety is a companion that I have had to grow comfortable sharing my life with. It has been an unwelcomed presence at times, but also an important part to the equation of understanding me. I have struggled on and off throughout life with what I have always considered to be “manageable anxiety”. Reflecting on this specific journey, it seems that I had become a master at hiding what was really going on inside of me. Actually, most people I have known that have depression or anxiety usually suffer in silence. They tend to be the ones that appear to be the happiest, the most encouraging, the most compassionate. Those things all runs completely true for me, I find great joy in many of my days, I usually always see the glass as half-full, I see magic in the little things and I love the people and the world around me with all of my heart. I tend to feel everything quite deeply and because of that I can usually recognize pretty quickly the symptoms I have experienced in another person. I have been able to create a life that surpasses what feels at times like crippling angst by pushing myself to still dream, to hope, to believe in good things to come and to hold onto my faith. I haven’t always been the best at processing all that’s within me and my surroundings but I consistently seek outlets and methods to become more equipped in doing so. The older I get the more I realize the need to come full circle with my ability to equally give and receive. I must, for my own inner peace, be honest in sharing this chapter of my story. I tend to be very uncomfortable with sympathy or pity, that usually causes me to avoid at great lengths talking about my trials…….I prefer to listen to others, hear their stories. Despite my discomfort, I am aware of the great designs of the ancient ways of storytelling and the need to currently testify. Storytelling brought revelation and healing to the one speaking and connection and understanding to the ones listening in many cultures. It helped you connect to your body, spirit and mind. It was believed to heal the path to your heart. There was a systematic belief in the reasoning for continuing the traditions of storytelling in indigenous cultures. Testifying is a way in the Christian culture to share what God has brought you through and to help you overcome the pain or turmoil as you do so. Both of these blueprints for healing are equally important and wise. It is time for me to share on a deeper level what this journey has looked like for me.

As a child, I missed half of third grade due to stomach aches and metabolic issues. The doctors then placed me on constant weight gain shakes and a high protein diet as they tested for every digestion complication under the sun. They finally realized it was my stress levels even then that were resulting in the increase of my metabolism and weight loss. I was a pretty happy and active kiddo but underneath I was always worried about my brother, my parents and some of the internal struggles of our family dynamics. My family was all naturally pretty thin and I played year round sports so we originally thought those were the reason for my scrawniness. Still to this day, when I’m stressed or struggling my weight drops. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain right, but for me I feel best when I’m strong and curvy and my body is more balanced. During my youth our society didn’t have terminology like anxiety, coping mechanisms or tools like our kids are growing up with now. We are at the tip of the iceberg with learning how to meet the needs of those struggling with mental illness but we are quite a bit further than we were years ago. Anxiety is a disorder that runs rampant throughout both sides of my family, some of us suffering from the symptoms more than others.

For me, my symptoms have worn different masks at various times of my life. There have been seasons that were harder to function through than others and there have been periods that I haven’t felt any symptoms at all. I went for years without having a panic attack until the day my mom started showing physical symptoms of her fatal disease. My behaviors at times are an outward reflection of what I’m internally fighting. Sometimes that looks like my unintended withdrawal from contact with friends by forgetting to text or call back for days even weeks at a time. It’s usually the wee hours of the night when I remember and then end up stressing over the negative impact I may have on the people that I love by not responding in an appropriate time frame. Sometimes it looks like the pile of mail I have hidden away in total avoidance of opening because of the fear of possibly having forgotten to pay a bill. Sometimes it means my minds’ inability to focus and the constant racing thoughts that distract me from being present. Sometimes it’s extreme exhaustion. Sometimes in my younger years it meant emotionally checking out and attempting to become a person that didn’t care so much which resulted in broken friendships and broken relationships. Sometimes in my teen years and in my early twenties it was numbing out by partying, drinking and smoking weed too much. Sometimes it looks like OCD behaviors such as rereading food labels over and over checking to make sure there aren’t any traces of nuts that would trigger my daughter’s food allergies, being a germaphobe or obsessively cleaning base boards and door handles. Sometimes it has meant attaching to emotionally unavailable men because deep down I knew I could hide from them…they wouldn’t be in touch emotionally enough to truly see inside my mind or my struggles. Sometimes when my angst is really intense, I become agitated and edgy despite my best efforts. Sometimes it’s the mornings I wake up short of breath, gasping for air like I was waking up from a nightmare. Sometimes I become symptomatic in my body. I remember a season of my life several years ago when I was immersed in the church culture. I was at every service, every bible study, every worship event and I was attending Ministry School with the hopes of moving forward on the pastoral track. My faith was so strong yet my spirit was tormented and aching from fear and deep douses of anxiety after losing my father to suicide. I tried to pray through it, worship through it, fast through it. I had to let go of the concept that “if your faith is right, you’ll be right”. I have always loved God and resided in the peace of knowing God is always with me in the good and in the bad. I knew better than to think there was some “thing” or performance that I could do to “overcome” my anxiety yet I was desperate to be “whole” and “ok”. I attempted to cover and deny my angst to those around me and it resulted in my body shutting down. I realize now that by suppressing my inner turmoil, it actually caused more damage. Those toxins from stress are going to come out one way or another. For me, they came out through panic attacks and a full body rash. I thought initially it was an allergy to a detergent or some other topical agent. After several doctor visits we realized it was my body’s reaction to my stress levels. My point in sharing all this with you is that I had to learn a really hard, painful lesson from that two-month rash that if I didn’t acknowledge and honor my anxiety it was going to break me.

That rash was a turning point for me. I started researching new ways to heal my body. I started running again after remembering how much playing sports helped me. I made sure I was consistently immersing myself in nature by hiking, canoeing and sitting by rivers. I started taking proper vitamins like B12 complexes and probiotics to help my body fight off the stress toxins and keep my serotonin levels balanced. I incorporated more natural foods that support my system such as blueberries, spinach, almonds, apples, bananas, turmeric, oatmeal, chia seeds and a lot of herbal teas. I made sure to do things daily that feed my soul like listening to my worship music, putting good music on while I cook, reading my devotionals, praying, meditating and writing in my journals even if it is just a quick thought. Prayer brings great peace to my mind and spirit. It reconnects me to the Spirit that dwells within me. There is a power in the peace that only God can give me. I draw on that peace when my levels are high and I am downward spiraling. I have become more transparent in sharing with those that I trust when I’m in high angst or triggered. Yoga has also become a major lifeline to my inner peace. The practice of yoga both the asana and the breathwork as well as Sadana have been great tools to give me clarity in my mind and strength in my body. I have become more aware in identifying my triggers and try to pull out the tools to help when necessary. I make sure to do “self check-ins” evaluating how I’m managing life day to day. I haven’t felt compelled to incorporate nonnarcotic prescription medication as of yet to help manage my disorder but I have witnessed how much it’s helped some of my family members and am not opposed to utilizing the medications offered if needed. I’ve watched too many people suffer needlessly because of the stigmas associated with taking medications designed to help those with anxiety and depression. Anxiety is a disorder, a disorder one is born with, usually genetically passed down. It’s a part of your biological make-up. Anxiety is not a choice or a weakness, nor is it something to overcome. It is not the same as being anxious, the emotional response to stress. Anxiety, if properly diagnosed and managed, is something that we can learn to live with in a healthy and balanced way by obtaining coping mechanisms, seeking therapeutic direction, taking medication if recommended by a trusted doctor, gaining wellness tools, practicing mindfulness, eating a clean diet and daily exercise. I have always counted on that quiet whisper of God within me to help guide the way in what my mind and body requires. That whisper has never failed me and always brought to my sight the right resources to tap into.

Coming to terms with my anxiety has been an incredibly freeing process. What I needed to learn was that my shadow or what some would call my darkness or my battle was not something that I had to rid myself of but had to embrace and develop an understanding to the roots of this companion. I needed to understand the roots in order to give way for the branches of life to grow and not die off. I have always thought of my anxiety as this somewhat dark, lurking shadow that has haunted me all these years. Segments of the meaning to the term “shadow” in the Wikipedia include; “a dark area where light from a light source is blocked by an opaque object”, or my eye-opening description of the cross section of a shadow as a “reverse projection of the object blocking the light”. I’ve felt for years that I was blocked, oppressed not able to truly be happy or be the person I yearned to be. The journey to understanding rather than running from my shadow has helped me to allow the light back in… to see an opportunity to heal for myself and to be a sense of support to so many that I cross paths with struggling from the same symptoms. It creates space to share what I’ve learned and to also receive information on what others have found helpful. It helps me to advocate for all of us that are tied to anxiety. It has caused me to be extremely empathetic and compassionate to a significant part of our population whom are judged and misunderstood due to their sometimes unhealthy attempts of managing their illness.

Friends, know that I do not speak lightly of any of this. It has taken me decades to get a better grasp on all of this and I still have a great deal of learning in front of me. Anxiety is not a term to nonchalantly label yourself with but it can be a key component for some in embracing the scientific and medical knowledge behind it in order to acquire a path to healing. I am thankful to have gained the knowledge that I have. I’m grateful to know that I’m not alone in it. I’m constantly leaning on my faith and counting on God to bring me through. Considering the great hardship our world is facing in these current times it is an absolute necessity to pull all of my tools out of this mighty tool belt I have acquired over the years. I intend to breathe through this…. breathe in hope and trust and breathe out the fear of the unknown. I may grow weary at times but I also know the truth in what I have already survived. I know that I have great strength within me, I know that I have a crazy amount of joy that has never been quenched and I know that there is a Greater Good that is fighting for us all even when we don’t feel it.

I’ll end with a beautiful quote by Ann Voskamp;

“The dark is not your fault, the dark is not about blame. The dark is about bravely being a canvas for light- about courageously letting your dark be a canvas for sparks of God’s glory, a backdrop for ambers of mercy in the midst of your fire.”

May we find the tools and the guidance we need to live our best lives and live freely in the light.

Much Love to you all 💗🙏🌈

Well friends, we have entered uncharted territory. How many times recently have we uttered the words “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life!”? We have gone from watching from a distance to now directly being affected. Whether it’s our health, our jobs, our homes, our families or our abilities to be active in the ways we are accustomed to, we have all been touched by this pandemic. I don’t know about you but I’ve definitely ridden the roller coaster of emotions about these times. Several weeks ago I went on a deep tailspin of the “what ifs”….. what if they aren’t telling us the whole story, what if it gets worse, what if we can’t work, what if we get sick, what if we can’t pay our bills, what if we can’t go on our trips, what if the city shuts down, what if we don’t have enough food and supplies…..then I talked myself out of those thoughts and concluded I was being irrational. Turns out, those thoughts weren’t so irrational. Though the thoughts were rooted in fear and angst the reality of our current circumstances still prove to be incredibly stressful and scary. Despite the fear of the present and the unknown of what’s yet to come, I am still holding on to hope.

Hope is a powerful thing, it has brought me through hardships and trials before and I trust that it will do it again. Hope is what causes me to take my worries to God through prayer and meditation. Hope empowers me to see beyond what appear to be hinderances and obstruction. Hope guides me into the truth that there is always space for God and the goodness of humanity to shift. As I’ve been going on my daily walks I’ve been listening to the birds singing, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face, noticing the flowers beginning to bloom and most importantly observing the kindness coming forth in our communities. I see people gifting each other huge smiles and encouraging words as they pass each other, I see signs offering help in front yards next to boxes of free hygienic supplies and extra food from their pantries, I see Christmas lights being put back out to cheer their neighbors up and I see our older community members light up to see a happy dog pass them by. This is a major shift from where we were even a couple of weeks ago. We are beginning to reconnect to each other in a way that we have desperately needed to for far too long. The hope that is rising during all of this is what truly is going to sustain us. I realize that hope doesn’t come easy for all of us. For some of my brothers and sisters out there, there may be mental and physical conditions that are playing a much bigger role than choosing to claim hope. Please know that I haven’t forgotten you and am consistently praying for you. Whether you feel it or not, you are loved, you are worthy and you are strong enough to endure this. These are the times in life that we are reminded that we ALL matter and we are Better together.

Friends, know that I am not attempting to sugarcoat the severity of what’s going on in our world by including a cute term like Hope with it. There may be days ahead of us that may be filled with upsetting news, terrifying statistics and uncertainty on all realms yet I will still ask of all of us to go inward and deeper into our spirituality and faith seeking the wisdom and peace for each other and in our own spirits.

May we continue to hold onto Hope and come out on the other side of this a better world !!!

Psalm 121 I lift up my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from God

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton