My anxiety is a companion that I have had to grow comfortable sharing my life with. It has been an unwelcomed presence at times, but also an important part to the equation of understanding me. I have struggled on and off throughout life with what I have always considered to be “manageable anxiety”. Reflecting on this specific journey, it seems that I had become a master at hiding what was really going on inside of me. Actually, most people I have known that have depression or anxiety usually suffer in silence. They tend to be the ones that appear to be the happiest, the most encouraging, the most compassionate. Those things all runs completely true for me, I find great joy in many of my days, I usually always see the glass as half-full, I see magic in the little things and I love the people and the world around me with all of my heart. I tend to feel everything quite deeply and because of that I can usually recognize pretty quickly the symptoms I have experienced in another person. I have been able to create a life that surpasses what feels at times like crippling angst by pushing myself to still dream, to hope, to believe in good things to come and to hold onto my faith. I haven’t always been the best at processing all that’s within me and my surroundings but I consistently seek outlets and methods to become more equipped in doing so. The older I get the more I realize the need to come full circle with my ability to equally give and receive. I must, for my own inner peace, be honest in sharing this chapter of my story. I tend to be very uncomfortable with sympathy or pity, that usually causes me to avoid at great lengths talking about my trials…….I prefer to listen to others, hear their stories. Despite my discomfort, I am aware of the great designs of the ancient ways of storytelling and the need to currently testify. Storytelling brought revelation and healing to the one speaking and connection and understanding to the ones listening in many cultures. It helped you connect to your body, spirit and mind. It was believed to heal the path to your heart. There was a systematic belief in the reasoning for continuing the traditions of storytelling in indigenous cultures. Testifying is a way in the Christian culture to share what God has brought you through and to help you overcome the pain or turmoil as you do so. Both of these blueprints for healing are equally important and wise. It is time for me to share on a deeper level what this journey has looked like for me.
As a child, I missed half of third grade due to stomach aches and metabolic issues. The doctors then placed me on constant weight gain shakes and a high protein diet as they tested for every digestion complication under the sun. They finally realized it was my stress levels even then that were resulting in the increase of my metabolism and weight loss. I was a pretty happy and active kiddo but underneath I was always worried about my brother, my parents and some of the internal struggles of our family dynamics. My family was all naturally pretty thin and I played year round sports so we originally thought those were the reason for my scrawniness. Still to this day, when I’m stressed or struggling my weight drops. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain right, but for me I feel best when I’m strong and curvy and my body is more balanced. During my youth our society didn’t have terminology like anxiety, coping mechanisms or tools like our kids are growing up with now. We are at the tip of the iceberg with learning how to meet the needs of those struggling with mental illness but we are quite a bit further than we were years ago. Anxiety is a disorder that runs rampant throughout both sides of my family, some of us suffering from the symptoms more than others.
For me, my symptoms have worn different masks at various times of my life. There have been seasons that were harder to function through than others and there have been periods that I haven’t felt any symptoms at all. I went for years without having a panic attack until the day my mom started showing physical symptoms of her fatal disease. My behaviors at times are an outward reflection of what I’m internally fighting. Sometimes that looks like my unintended withdrawal from contact with friends by forgetting to text or call back for days even weeks at a time. It’s usually the wee hours of the night when I remember and then end up stressing over the negative impact I may have on the people that I love by not responding in an appropriate time frame. Sometimes it looks like the pile of mail I have hidden away in total avoidance of opening because of the fear of possibly having forgotten to pay a bill. Sometimes it means my minds’ inability to focus and the constant racing thoughts that distract me from being present. Sometimes it’s extreme exhaustion. Sometimes in my younger years it meant emotionally checking out and attempting to become a person that didn’t care so much which resulted in broken friendships and broken relationships. Sometimes in my teen years and in my early twenties it was numbing out by partying, drinking and smoking weed too much. Sometimes it looks like OCD behaviors such as rereading food labels over and over checking to make sure there aren’t any traces of nuts that would trigger my daughter’s food allergies, being a germaphobe or obsessively cleaning base boards and door handles. Sometimes it has meant attaching to emotionally unavailable men because deep down I knew I could hide from them…they wouldn’t be in touch emotionally enough to truly see inside my mind or my struggles. Sometimes when my angst is really intense, I become agitated and edgy despite my best efforts. Sometimes it’s the mornings I wake up short of breath, gasping for air like I was waking up from a nightmare. Sometimes I become symptomatic in my body. I remember a season of my life several years ago when I was immersed in the church culture. I was at every service, every bible study, every worship event and I was attending Ministry School with the hopes of moving forward on the pastoral track. My faith was so strong yet my spirit was tormented and aching from fear and deep douses of anxiety after losing my father to suicide. I tried to pray through it, worship through it, fast through it. I had to let go of the concept that “if your faith is right, you’ll be right”. I have always loved God and resided in the peace of knowing God is always with me in the good and in the bad. I knew better than to think there was some “thing” or performance that I could do to “overcome” my anxiety yet I was desperate to be “whole” and “ok”. I attempted to cover and deny my angst to those around me and it resulted in my body shutting down. I realize now that by suppressing my inner turmoil, it actually caused more damage. Those toxins from stress are going to come out one way or another. For me, they came out through panic attacks and a full body rash. I thought initially it was an allergy to a detergent or some other topical agent. After several doctor visits we realized it was my body’s reaction to my stress levels. My point in sharing all this with you is that I had to learn a really hard, painful lesson from that two-month rash that if I didn’t acknowledge and honor my anxiety it was going to break me.
That rash was a turning point for me. I started researching new ways to heal my body. I started running again after remembering how much playing sports helped me. I made sure I was consistently immersing myself in nature by hiking, canoeing and sitting by rivers. I started taking proper vitamins like B12 complexes and probiotics to help my body fight off the stress toxins and keep my serotonin levels balanced. I incorporated more natural foods that support my system such as blueberries, spinach, almonds, apples, bananas, turmeric, oatmeal, chia seeds and a lot of herbal teas. I made sure to do things daily that feed my soul like listening to my worship music, putting good music on while I cook, reading my devotionals, praying, meditating and writing in my journals even if it is just a quick thought. Prayer brings great peace to my mind and spirit. It reconnects me to the Spirit that dwells within me. There is a power in the peace that only God can give me. I draw on that peace when my levels are high and I am downward spiraling. I have become more transparent in sharing with those that I trust when I’m in high angst or triggered. Yoga has also become a major lifeline to my inner peace. The practice of yoga both the asana and the breathwork as well as Sadana have been great tools to give me clarity in my mind and strength in my body. I have become more aware in identifying my triggers and try to pull out the tools to help when necessary. I make sure to do “self check-ins” evaluating how I’m managing life day to day. I haven’t felt compelled to incorporate nonnarcotic prescription medication as of yet to help manage my disorder but I have witnessed how much it’s helped some of my family members and am not opposed to utilizing the medications offered if needed. I’ve watched too many people suffer needlessly because of the stigmas associated with taking medications designed to help those with anxiety and depression. Anxiety is a disorder, a disorder one is born with, usually genetically passed down. It’s a part of your biological make-up. Anxiety is not a choice or a weakness, nor is it something to overcome. It is not the same as being anxious, the emotional response to stress. Anxiety, if properly diagnosed and managed, is something that we can learn to live with in a healthy and balanced way by obtaining coping mechanisms, seeking therapeutic direction, taking medication if recommended by a trusted doctor, gaining wellness tools, practicing mindfulness, eating a clean diet and daily exercise. I have always counted on that quiet whisper of God within me to help guide the way in what my mind and body requires. That whisper has never failed me and always brought to my sight the right resources to tap into.
Coming to terms with my anxiety has been an incredibly freeing process. What I needed to learn was that my shadow or what some would call my darkness or my battle was not something that I had to rid myself of but had to embrace and develop an understanding to the roots of this companion. I needed to understand the roots in order to give way for the branches of life to grow and not die off. I have always thought of my anxiety as this somewhat dark, lurking shadow that has haunted me all these years. Segments of the meaning to the term “shadow” in the Wikipedia include; “a dark area where light from a light source is blocked by an opaque object”, or my eye-opening description of the cross section of a shadow as a “reverse projection of the object blocking the light”. I’ve felt for years that I was blocked, oppressed not able to truly be happy or be the person I yearned to be. The journey to understanding rather than running from my shadow has helped me to allow the light back in… to see an opportunity to heal for myself and to be a sense of support to so many that I cross paths with struggling from the same symptoms. It creates space to share what I’ve learned and to also receive information on what others have found helpful. It helps me to advocate for all of us that are tied to anxiety. It has caused me to be extremely empathetic and compassionate to a significant part of our population whom are judged and misunderstood due to their sometimes unhealthy attempts of managing their illness.
Friends, know that I do not speak lightly of any of this. It has taken me decades to get a better grasp on all of this and I still have a great deal of learning in front of me. Anxiety is not a term to nonchalantly label yourself with but it can be a key component for some in embracing the scientific and medical knowledge behind it in order to acquire a path to healing. I am thankful to have gained the knowledge that I have. I’m grateful to know that I’m not alone in it. I’m constantly leaning on my faith and counting on God to bring me through. Considering the great hardship our world is facing in these current times it is an absolute necessity to pull all of my tools out of this mighty tool belt I have acquired over the years. I intend to breathe through this…. breathe in hope and trust and breathe out the fear of the unknown. I may grow weary at times but I also know the truth in what I have already survived. I know that I have great strength within me, I know that I have a crazy amount of joy that has never been quenched and I know that there is a Greater Good that is fighting for us all even when we don’t feel it.
I’ll end with a beautiful quote by Ann Voskamp;
“The dark is not your fault, the dark is not about blame. The dark is about bravely being a canvas for light- about courageously letting your dark be a canvas for sparks of God’s glory, a backdrop for ambers of mercy in the midst of your fire.”
May we find the tools and the guidance we need to live our best lives and live freely in the light.
Much Love to you all 💗🙏🌈
Rising True Through Life and Faith 
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